The Girl in the Pumpkin Costume...
Let me paint the scene.
It’s the 80’s, my senior year of high school, and I’m at a “Halloween Party” with 3 of my friends. The party is being held in a church basement (I’m as confused as you are!) complete with linoleum tile floor, painted cinder block walls, and a wide open space with metal folding chairs placed along the wall. Alternative music is playing (“Echo and the Bunnymen”, “The Cure”, “Robyn Hitchcock”, “Elvis Costello”, “The Smiths”) and the cool kids’ goth crowd is there. They have asymmetrical haircuts, wear heavily lined eyes with black eyeliner, and are all wearing black or military style clothes, along with Converse tennis shoes or Doc Martens. They dance effortlessly while I try to fit in with my all black outfit and permed hair.
I feel awkward and don’t know how to look cool while dancing (still don’t) and so I talk with my friends and just try to blend in. I wish I could sit on the sidelines and take notes like a field scientist observing animals in the wild. I mentally note how some kids dance by themselves, turning and swaying to the music with their eyes closed. They have the alternative look down pat and appear so confident. I don’t have the guts to dance and instead work on making awkward small talk even with my friends.
Then I spot her. The girl in the pumpkin costume.
She sits alone in a folding chair along the wall and looks completely out of place and miserable. I imagine her parents dropping her off and driving away as she goes into the church basement and discovers her current predicament. I picture her mom smiling and cheerfully saying, “It’s a costume party and will be fun!”
The “costumes” the other kids are wearing are their everyday looks with an extra dash of Medieval thrown in– amped-up pale face, black liner and lipstick, and a drab outfit. The girl in the pumpkin costume clearly didn’t get the memo and is sporting an orange oversized pumpkin-shaped midsection along with a pumpkin hat complete with a stem, leaves, and a curly vine on top. She looks uncomfortable on so many levels. I know that feeling. I am that feeling even though I’m wearing black and trying to act cool.
We’ve all been there. Our own version of the pumpkin costume girl not fitting in.
Truthfully, it’s part of the reason I was drawn to learning body language. It was a way to learn “the rules” and understand the secret language that seemed to elude me. Body language is a sort of armour that protects through awareness. For me, learning, practicing, and understanding nonverbal communication was like discovering a superpower.
Fast forward. I’m a grown woman who is a certified body language trainer and speaker. Learning the foundations of nonverbal communication has allowed me to stand in front of groups without panicking. Nonverbal skills have allowed me to connect more deeply with others and to be a better communicator. I used to believe that only “hard skills” were valuable and that “soft skills” were not important. I now see the impact of being able to connect and relate to others. I see how important these skills are at work and in our personal lives. I now view my empathy and people skills as my greatest strengths.
Studying body language helps you:
- Grow in confidence
- Become aware of the nonverbal signals you send out
- Be more intentional about how you want to be perceived
- Be a better communicator
- Make people feel seen and heard
So, to any of you who can relate to being in a pumpkin costume at a goth party, I get it. It’s time to learn how to bust out of that costume and get on with life.
Your co-pilot (who still happens to wear a fair amount of black clothes),
